These past couple of weeks have been very up and down for me personally. I just recently quit my day job at a local camera shop that I had been working at for 6 years. And I haven't really wanted to be open about it and whats going on with me. Today I picked up my last pay check and the store already looks different. I worked shipping and receiving/ eBay/ accounting assistant, defectives, errand girl, you name it. I actually left on good terms. But I chose to leave based on just wanting to take the courage to start over. To start fresh. Which had been screaming on the inside of me for quite a while. But so much of me held on to the job because I was fearful of the unknown of letting go.
I'll have to admit that these past two weeks I have struggled because I find myself slowly rehashing old habits and continuing same habits and I easily get doubtful and fearful through current situations in my life. And it's not easy. I don't know what to do in those moments of when you could hold on or let go. What would you do? How do you know what to do?? And when money and family and living situations and your dreams and goals are between all of it, where are my feet at? Are they walking accordingly, what steps next? Which are all things any twenty something or any human today this day in age would ask. And if you're anything at all like me, you don't trust your decisions, you overthink too much instead of responsibly just doing.
I am reading a book by Annie Downs called, "Let's all be Brave, Living Life with Everything You Have." Today as I was readying her book, I loved that she said that courage does build when you hang on, because it really does. And I also love that she states, "Courage doesn't always equal right; courage equals stepping out and trying." Which is part of what I'm trying to do. I don't have all the pieces right now, and I need to accept that it's ok. And I know that as a lover of Jesus, I need to focus on his wisdom and his word. I just need to carve out the time which is incredibly random now and days, to be honest. I am in no way perfect.
I felt that I needed to share this to show others where I'm at during this portion of my life. Hopefully not to discourage friends, family, acquaintances, people who I've just met, etc. But to encourage you that not all of us have everything together and that it is ok to start over. And that can be on anything from small to big. I'm trying to start over on pushing toward photography after not doing so much for about a year. And let me tell you, I still get discouraged and walk away from it and then walk back to it again haha. It's been the main thing that I have loved for the past 6 years. So I'm trying to find my creativity with it.
I did find something very comforting though as I was reading today and the word, "unfolding grace" really stood out to me. And I had an image that came to mind (which was in stop motion). And it was a bird eye view of hands unfolding linen with a fresh ball of clay in it on a cutting board. And it made me think of what the definition of beauty is. And how beauty is an inside job. And I really felt like God was showing me what unfolding grace visually looks like to him. And that the fresh clay he was unfolding, was the clay he was beginning to start fresh on to place inside my heart. Which is strange because I normally don't do this. It's not pretty on the inside of me, but God chooses to unfold his forgiveness and grace and repair/renew my heart and your hearts over and over again if we would just seek him and spend time with him. This spoke to my heart so softly today and I felt the need to share. So this shows me what direction I need to follow in.
I wrote a lot compared to what I have been posting. But this is what I love about documenting and blogging and sharing. I get to know myself and go back to it and you guys get to know me! Everyone have a good rest of the week!
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